I do not know your names, and you will doubtlessly never read this blog, since you’re busy with other extremely important pastimes, but to the people who sat behind me on the Long Island Railroad today, I feel sorry for you and can only hope that one day, when you grow up and realize how empty and meaningless your lives are, you’ll spread that realization to the next generation of stupid spoiled children being produced in the bosom of modern cosmopolitan America we call Long Island.
For those of you who don’t know, I am a graduate student at a major university on Long Island, and I must ride the rails very regularly of late to travel to my girlfriend’s home in Massachusetts or to see my family in DC. The things I sometimes see on the trains have ranged from the hilarious to the heart warming to the just plain dispicable. I’ll kick off this post with a few little anecdotes to prove I’m not just cranky about my time traveling.
On one trip this fall, I witnessed a blind man waiting to get off the train in Providence, and, when the door on his side did not open, an older lady with a cane loaded her belongings onto her cane-weilding hand, and used her now free hand to guide him to the right side of the train and help him get his feet planted. I thoght that was a very sweet moment.
On another occasion, while riding on the D metro, a group of holiday revelers boarded the train singing an irish sea chanty (yes, really) at the end of which the ring-leader (I presume) stood up and implored the passengers to toast their fair voyage against the Scots (again…yes, really). I about died laughing.
Many times, while passing through NYC on the subway or LIRR, I’ve gotten free concerts from mariachi bands, Peruvian flute bands, solo guitarists just practicing, even an a capella group or two.
And on one trip down to DC to see family, I had a fascinating 3-hour conversation with a fellow aspiring Earth Scientist whose senior research happened to be in an area I’ve often wanted to study myself. Anything is possible while traveling, and, although I often feel stressed and annoyed when having to travel yet again, on the whole, I certainly don’t regret the experiences.
But today, I encountered a trio of young girls (I refuse to call them women) who boarded at Smithtown and behaved so abhorently that when I got on the train in NYC to head home, I immediately saught out the refuge of the quiet car where promises of near silence sounded like music to my tired ears. Where to begin…
When they boarded, they called two elderly (!) women bitches (not to their face of course…just like a pack of children to each other as they passed me) for daring to sit in the four-seater by the wall so that they couldn’t all see the screen of one girl’s iPhone at the same time. Elderly women…who needed the four seater to put down their bags because they couldn’t lift them over their heads.
Then they got really nasty.
Two or three of them would hop across the passageway to the seat behind me and gather around laughing REALLY LOUDLY at video footage this chick had apparently gathered from the party they’d thrown last night. They all thought this footage was hilarious enough to bray like horses at the whip and insist they should post it on Facebook. But it gets better…the stuff these children wanted to be posted for all to see…was them, drunk as skunks, brandishing one of their personal vibrators and bragging about how overworked it was (they played this footage loud enough that everyone in a three-row radius could have made out the words).
I would be inclined to dismiss this as college idiocy if it weren’t for what came next. Later in this video, one of the guys in attendence at this party apparently took out his member and inserted it into a bottle to demonstrate proper technique and the girls threw coins at him. They had their own private strip show. And were proud of it.
But wait, there’s more. In the aftermath of the peels of laughter from watching this video, the girls decided to have what, I suppose, passes for normal conversation in Long Island. One of them ask where another of them was going and she said, “Oh, one of my latest conquests (!!) had tickets to a concert in New Rock (referring, I believe to New Rochelle…a suburb of NYC)” and so she was going to “f*** him and duck him to pay for her ticket so the real fun could begin.”
Oh, but we’re not done yet. To cap off the insanity, they then spent twenty minutes talking about how one of their would-be suitors had come to the clothing store where two of these future go-getters worked to “stalk” them and they had their friend in management throw him out…they were accusing him of stalking them because of his great crime of “showing up without asking first to ask if they wanted to grab a bite to eat after their shift.” And then, after they booted this poor bastard, they cackled like evil witches over a cauldron over the “stupid bitch” who came in looking for a dress and couldn’t decide what she wanted. They said “She’s pretty, but she’s not so bright.” Oh yes…and you three are goin’ to HARVARD with all your cultured turns of phrase and intellectual depth.
I could go on if I had any brain cells left to devote to listening to these girls…fortunately, my brain defended itself by powering down until I felt the pressure change caused by us going underground on approach to Penn Station.
Oh the humanity! This is what modern feminism, liberal (a.k.a. uncaring) lenient parenting, and our tax-funded public school system is giving us as the hope for our future. Remind me not to settle on Long Island when I’m finished getting my education. My kids would be DOOMED.